David's Nephew

“But Amnon had a friend, whose name was Jonadab, the son of Shimeah, David’s brother. And Jonadab was a very crafty man.” (2 Sam. 13:3, ESV)

Shimeah (or Shammah; see 1 Sam. 16:9) was David’s third brother. Jonadab, the son of Shimeah, was David’s nephew. Amnon was David’s firstborn. Amnon wanted Tamar, Absalom’s sister, so bad that he “was so tormented that he made himself ill.” (13:2, ESV) As a friend and a cousin, Jonadab gave Amnon a piece of advice to approach his sister from another mother: “Lie down on your bed and pretend to be ill. And when your father comes to see you, say to him, ‘Let my sister Tamar come and give me bread to eat, and prepare the food in my sight, that I may see it and eat it from her hand.’” (13:5, ESV) This piece of advice sets the tone for the following narrative (2 Sam. 13-18): Tamar got raped; Absalom murdered Amnon; Absalom fled; Absalom returned and conspired against David; and Absalom was killed.

On the one hand, God’s judgment through Nathan was being fulfilled in the family of David (2 Sam. 12:10-12). Sin has its consequences. David killed Uriah and took his wife: murder and adultery (2 Sam. 11). The text says it clearly: “The thing that David had done displeases the Lord.” (2 Sam. 11:27, ESV) When Nathan confronted and rebuked David with a parable, David could have killed the prophet. (12:1-12) But David repented, “I have sinned against the Lord.” (12:13a, ESV) Instead of committing one more crime, David turned away from his sin. “And Nathan said to David, ‘The Lord also has put away your sin; you shall not die.’” (12:13b, ESV) David was forgiven. But still David bore with the consequences.

On the other hand, unlike readers, characters in the narrative do not know anything about God’s will through Nathan’s prophecy. They just make choices according to what is right in their eyes. They act according to their personal values and personalities. Personal choice and personality make a difference as the story goes. The text says, “Jonadab was a very crafty man.” The Hebrew word hakam can be understood as “wise” or “shrewd.”[1] This guy was wise in a negative way. He didn’t wisely use his smartness. Thus, bible translators usually translate it as “crafty” (ESV, NLT, NRSV). Jonadab counseled his cousin with his craftiness. He counseled according to Amnon’s self-satisfied gratification. His counseling lacked of any moral judgment. Jonadab was wise, but he did not know and fear the Lord. (cf. Prov. 1:7; 9:10)

Jonadab’s craftiness was his character—the core of his being. The narrator does not hide his personality from us. Rather, he allows us to see beyond his outer action: his motive, his character, his inner person. We say that we can only judge people by their actions, for actions show and tell what is inside. Jonadab’s crafty shrewdness pointed Amnon to a wrong direction. Amnon had a bad company who led him to a wrong action even though Amnon was fully responsible for his own action.

In 1 Corinthians 15:33 Paul urges the Corinthians to recognize that ‘evil company corrupts good habits’. Intimate friendships with evil characters will invariably have a negative effect on our lives. Likewise, one can say that ‘good company promotes good habits’.[2]

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[1] See Ronald F. Youngblood, “1, 2 Samuel,” in The Expositor’s Bible Commentary, vol. 3. Edited by Frank E. Gaebelein (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1992), p. 957.

[2] Michael A. G. Haykin, The God Who Draws Near: An Introduction to Biblical Spirituality (Webster: Evangelical Press, 2007), p. 74.

David's Friend

Following David’s plan, Jonathan found out that Saul determined to kill David (1 Sam. 20:1-11). Jonathan, David’s faithful companion, loved David as his own. “The soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul” (1 Sam. 18:1, ESV; cf. 20:17). This verse describes their friendship. When Jonathan realized that his father determined to kill his best friend, the text says, “He was grieved for David, because his father had disgraced him” (1 Sam. 20:34b, ESV). Jonathan grieved for David and his situation. Jonathan grieved for David in private, not in front of David. He thought about David in such a way that, I believe, Jonathan’s grief for David became a prayer to God for David. In the early formative period of David’s life, Jonathan played a significant part. Eugene Peterson notes:

In the middle of the craziness and madness, the meanness and hate, David experienced a most unusual love in Jonathan’s friendship…Friendship is a much underestimated aspect of spirituality. It’s every bit as significant as prayer and fasting. Like the sacramental use of water and bread and wine, friendship takes what’s common in human experience and turns it into something holy. Friendship with David complicated Jonathan’s life enormously. He risked losing his father’s favor and willingly sacrificed his own royal future. But neither the risk nor the loss deterred him; he became and stayed David’s friend. Jonathan’s friendship was essential to David’s life. It’s highly unlikely that David could have persisted in serving Saul without the friendship of Jonathan. Jonathan, in striking contrast to his father, discerned God in David…Jonathan’s friendship entered David’s soul in a way that Saul’s hatred never did.[1]

What a blessing to David to have someone like Jonathan who grieved for him and remembered him in prayer. Not only did Jonathan help David to escape from Saul in life, but also nurtured the spiritual life of David by being faithful to him and discerning and confirming the calling of God in him.

True friendship is not without cost. Jonathan made sacrifices in this relationship. This friendship complicated Jonathan’s soul. On the one hand, he didn’t want to disobey his father. On the other hand, he loved his friend as his own soul. I can imagine that Jonathan couldn’t sleep for many nights because of the inner tension, even turmoil, within him. Perhaps, the spirituality of Jonathan was shaped by God through this tension. Any close relationship can destroy or edify. It can suffocate both parties without giving enough space to one another. It can also lead us to a higher ground where we can’t reach by ourselves. Jonathan loved David, but he never abandoned Saul. Rather, Jonathan stayed with and fought alongside Saul.

In the story of David, he couldn’t become king without the friendship of Jonathan. Most likely, David would become another Saul in the journey if Jonathan didn’t confirm the life of holiness in David. David lamented for the death of his friend: “I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan; very pleasant have you been to me; your love to me was extraordinary, surpassing the love of women” (2 Sam. 1:26, ESV).

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[1] Eugene Peterson, Leap Over a Wall: Earthly Spirituality for Everyday Christians (New York: HarperSanFrancisco, 1997), pp. 51-53.

Iron sharpens Iron

I don’t know when I started to realize that human relationship or friendship plays a significant role in personal growth or spiritual formation. Perhaps, at some point I realized that Christians usually focus attention on vertical relationship with God and neglect horizontal relationship with the body of Christ.

“But if we are living in the light of God’s presence, just as Christ is, then we have fellowship with each other…” (1 Jn. 1:7). In the presence of others, we are in the presence of God. In other words, we have fellowship with God while we’re having fellowship with our fellows. Thus, in the context of community, “if we say we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and refusing to accept the truth” (1 Jn. 1:8). Who can say that we are flawless in the body of Christ? I certainly can’t say that.

Our fellowship with each other directly reflects our fellowship with God. It’s as simple as that. John has no intention to theologize a mysterious relationship with God in which people are elated. Rather, John approaches it from a community perspective. “If anyone says, ‘I am living in the light,’ but hates a Christian brother or sister, that person is still living in darkness.” (1 Jn. 1:9; cf. 1:11). What a challenge!

I value friendship a lot more than before. It’s not that I didn’t value friendship before. Rather, I place friendship in the context of spiritual growth and formation. It nurtures maturity. It offers accountability. It exposes one’s darkness. It empowers, not manipulates, each other to live in a manner worthy of the gospel (Phil. 1:27). For me, in the context of trust and reciprocity, when we’re genuinely true to ourselves and others and faithfully do our parts in life, we foster mature personhood. “As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow” (Eph. 4:16).

Proverbs 27:17—“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”

“It’s not the existence of the relationship alone that provides the context for formation, but also the challenges arising within them…This relational challenge can be visualized as a crucible, the container for a refining flame. The relational challenge itself is not the fire that transforms, but rather a holder for that fire. Within that holder we encounter anxiety, anger, sadness, questions, risk, shame, regret, chaos, and truth. We encounter ourselves and God and become aware of the impact—both for good and for harm—that others have on us and we on them.”[1]

When I read this paragraph, I am like, “This author (Carla) really understands the role of relationship/friendship in Christian formation.” Friendship itself doesn’t transform us. It’s the means for God to transform us through one another. It’s not the key, but it can’t be missing. It’s “a holder for that fire.” It’s not the fire itself. We can survive without relationship/friendship, but we won’t be healthy. I think that any form of Christian formation apart from koinonia (partnership, friendship, fellowship) is deviation from biblical growth. It’s far from what God delineates in the Bible.  

[1] Jeannine K. Brown, Carla M. Dahl, and Wyndy C. Reuschling, Becoming Whole and Holy: An Integrative Conversation about Christian Formation (Grand Rapids: Baker, 2011), p. 19.

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Giving and Receiving

The Importance of Receiving

“Receiving is often harder than giving. Giving is very important: giving insight, giving hope, giving courage, giving advice, giving support, giving money, and most of all, giving ourselves. Without giving there is no brotherhood and sisterhood."

"But receiving is just as important, because by receiving we reveal to the givers that they have gifts to offer. When we say, ‘Thank you, you gave me hope; thank you, you gave me a reason to live; thank you, you allowed me to realize my dream,’ we make givers aware of their unique and precious gifts. Sometimes it is only in the eyes of the receivers that givers discover their gifts” [Henri Nouwen, Bread For the Journey: A Daybook of Wisdom and Faith (New York: HarperOne, 1997), April 3.]. 

Give Thanks

To a certain degree, I often experience the below reflection in my marriage as well as in my friendships with a few individuals.

"A friend is more than a therapist or a confessor, even though a friend can sometimes heal us and offer us God's forgiveness.

A friend is that other person with whom we can share our solitude, our silence, and our prayer. A friend is that other person with whom we can look at a tree and say, 'Isn't that beautiful,' or sit on the beach and silently watch the sun disappear under the horizon. With a friend we don't have to say or do something special. With a friend we can be still and know that God is there with both of us."

[Taken from Henri Nouwen, "Sharing Our Solitude", in Bread for the Journey (New York: HarperOne, 1997), on March 23.]