Discipleship Letters 75-76

Discipleship Letter 75                                    Feb. 21^st, 2010

“It is so hard to be silent, silent with my mouth, but even more, silent with my heart. There is so much talking going within me. It seems that I am always involved in inner debates with myself, my friends, my enemies, my supporters, my opponents, my colleagues, and my rivals. But this inner debate reveals how far my heart is from you” [Henri. J.M. Nouwen, A Cry for Mercy: Prayers from the Genesee (Maryknoll: Orbis, 1994), p. 18.].

This is Nouwen’s prayer. His prayer lets us know that when we come before God, we have so much going on within us. To pray is not just to talk to God, and let Him know about our concerns. Rather, sometimes prayer propels us towards a life of introspection: Before Him, why do we have so much talking within us, but not to Him?

Nouwen then continues to pray, “If I were simply to rest at your feet and realize that I belong to you and you alone, I would easily stop arguing with all the real and imagined people around me. These arguments show my insecurity, my fear, my apprehensions, and my need for being recognized and receiving attention” (p. 18).

We intend to pray to God and yet end up talking to ourselves. It shows that our hearts are far from Him. The more we want to come before Him, the more we realize we are far from Him. But the good news is that “The Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost” (Lk. 19:10). Instead of seeking Him, we have been sought first.

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Discipleship Letter 76                                    Feb. 28^th, 2010

“There is an awareness of sin that does not lead to God but to self-preoccupation. Our temptation is to be so impressed by our sins and failings and so overwhelmed by our lack of generosity that we get stuck in a paralyzing guilt. It is the guilt that says: ‘I am too sinful to deserve God’s mercy.’ It is the guilt that leads to introspection instead of directing our eyes to God. It is the guilt that has become an idol and therefore a form of pride” [Henri Nouwen, A Cry for Mercy: A Prayer from the Genesee (Maryknoll: Orbis, 1994), p. 23.].

Judas who was so overcome by his guilt could not repent and turn to His mercy (Matt. 27:1-5). Peter who also betrayed the Lord and wept bitterly returned with repentance (Lk. 22:62).

In Christian growth, we need to distinguish the difference between godly sorrow and worldly sorrow. The former brings repentance; the latter, self-preoccupation. “Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death” (2 Cor. 7:10). When we confess to Him and share with others, do we share worldly grief or godly grief? Worldly grief still grieves the Holy Spirit of God (Eph. 4:30a) because it only leads us back to the Self—the center of idol making.

Jesus said to Simon Peter, “But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers” (Lk. 22:32). Peter failed; however, he turned back. Peter turned back to strengthen His people. This is an outward expression of Peter’s inward, godly grief.